♥ yourwhore. // big fake smiles.

indramaulana

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

publicaffair.

time check; 7:37am.
and im having trouble falling back to sleep.
thus, blogging at a very odd hour.

talked to him few mins ago.
i hate it that he works away from mainland.
and network always cheats us of our feelings.
GRRR.
i guess thats the life of a police sea-man.
bare with it.
FUCK~

and yes yes,
yesterday we went PUBLIC!
for the FIRST time.

it was rather odd.
we ran into so many of his friends.
and some of mine.
i hate introductions.
but we overcame it,
and ignored the many many pairs of eyes.

after endless indecisive planning,

we decided to travel and headed to Downtown,

my all time favourite hangout.

place was a ruckus.

school's out,

and the kids are out to play.

underaged kids trying to act all gungho.

malay minah wannabes with super short shorts,

and ugly legs.

dumb immatured boys;

hate them all.

nevertheless,

i had a GREAT time with him.

and im missing him so badly right now.

cant wait to see him again.

night shift faster come and end.

cannn?

to you;

if youre reading this,

you BETTER miss me too.

& & &

to my dearest here;

IM SORRY

i had to shorten our date yesterday.

and to Noorashikin Mustaffa and sister,

SORRY too!

next time,

no more coffee bean for dinner

OKAYY.

i cant believe i wasted $37.40 for a dinner i didnt eat.

HAHA.

and yes,

next time,

i wont bring along THAT irritating guy again.

thank god we got rid of him early.

heh.

meet up soon okayy.

love you girls.

and now,

back to sleeping my ass off.

night shift,

here i come.

imissyouuu.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

imissthatboy.

sometimes i dont know how to express myself.

and maybe,

just maybe,

because of that,

im always bottling up my feelings

and bursting them out when i've had

ENOUGH.

work was great surprisingly.

i didnt do much.

posted to central station,

and had all the free time in the world.

better still;

i had jesvin and simah with me.

despite the hyperactive and smiling faces,

i was hurting inside.

i felt uneasy.

and yes, you mofuck,

it was because of

YOU!

sometimes i think its best i do not talk about you.

but at the same time,

i cant help but stutter your name.

i wanna delete you from my life,

hell, i want to so badly.

but you refuse.

i dont know what the fuck you want from me.

seriously.

i met up with adam after work earlier on.

i didnt eat at work,

and i was hungry.

but after buying mackerz,

i ended up not eating.

i loss my appetite.

and ended up seeking comfort on adam's shoulders.

im running a temperature of 38.1 degree celcius now.

and i dont wanna head to work tmro.

but my mc rate is high.

FUCK~

i just dont know what to do anymore.

i cried.

am crying.

and still wana cry.

i miss you so fucking badly.

FUCKING BADLY, i say.

whatsyrflavaaaa

Saturday, May 24, 2008

whatsyourflavaaa?

I came across something that caught my attention.

And i simply cant get my eyes off it.

Im usually not the electronics kinda grrl.

But THIS;

I want to have you in my arms, babyy.

Pretty please...

And next up;

Plain Sunset's next gig.

ANA!

I think Aidil's DP also performing!

Yokkkk!

Well, back to chatting with Maryyy.

ana,amalina.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

ana,amalina;madness.

i find joy in the littlest things in life,
the sweetest things.
and today, my day couldnt have been better.

the day was spent with my fav girl;
ana amalina. (:
thank you babe for the fucking great day!
our hectic work life has been intolerable.
we couldnt meet up as often as we used to.
but nevertheless,
im glad we did today.

gossip talks,
healthy bitchings,
and a whole load of meaningful convos.
not forgetting the many many crazy laughters we had.
i couldnt ask for more.

first stop;
food culture at century.
the super heavy lunch was somewhat nauseating.
and it wasnt helping that shaz made us laugh crazily
with her crazy antics.

shazila, omg! im so gonna re-enact your lame jokes! heh.

and well,
the beach trip was cancelled.
it rained on us.
but nothing was left wasted.
we sat at mackerz to eat AGAIN.
together with some of our bili-bala.
loveletters, candy, spicy seaweed.
spicy seaweed yang sungguh tak spicy LANGSUNG!
GRRR.

and on the way back;
we were talking about stuffs,
when ana had to come up with this CRAZY theory.
ana, you know, i know.
he DOESNT have to know.
certainly got me laughing my ass off.
it'd be pretty funny if THAT happened.
gosh.

was supposed to meet him,
but he perangai,
so it was off to a long bus ride for me.

and the night's bus ride,
was accompanied by my ipod,
and the many many apology smses from him.
i swear i was smiling with glee.
well,
only he knows.

And before i end the night,
here's some pictures to add my memory. (:

i was photographer for the day;

thus the many many pictures of her.

& & &

there's a reason why i posted this picture below.

only she knows.

well, you know you love me.

xoxo.

fcukcomplications

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

fuckcomplications.

i do not handle situations well. all i wanna do is hide under the covers and shut myself from the world completely. im trying my best to get my thinking straight and come up with decisions but i cant decide. you say you love me, but thats what he said too. so out of which two am i suppose to choose? dont pressurize me, cause i dont handle such situations well. and yes, im still not over the ex. 8months has passed, but he's still alive in my mind, toying with my emotions. what the fuck do you expect me to do? the feelings mutual and its something i cant fuckingly control. sometimes i wish i could end this life, but no, i love myself too much to bother myself with such stupid details. could you please just give me some time and some space? i really dont understand you. fuck, i really dont. sometimes i regret having known you, but at the same time, its you i fell head over heels with. the way you understand me, my whimps and woes, the way you take in my criticism and endless rants. the way you make everything in life seems so positive and laid-back. and many more. it takes an army of people to stop and understand me, but only you can handle me single handedly. yes, i have my wayward ways, which has somewhat subsided with your presence for the past few months. but i still wanna do what i enjoy doing most and just waste few moments of my life. and i do not want you to keep saving me each time i take a step and i stumble. i thank you for being a huge part of my life. but i do not want to live this guilt of loving someone else when im with you. and i hope you understand that. get over it; you say. im trying, goddammit, im trying. fuck it. im really trying my best.

kekasihgelapku.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

kekasihgelapku.

Kumencintaimu lebih dari apapun
Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tau

Kumencintaimu sedalam-dalam hatiku

Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

Ku tahu ku takkan selalu ada untukmu

Disaat engkau merindukan diriku

Kutahu ku takkan bisa memberikanmu

Waktu yang panjang dalam hidupku

Yakinlah bahwa engkau adalah cintaku

Yang kucari selama ini dalam hidupku

Dan hanya padamu kuberikan sisa cintaku

Yang panjang dalam hidupku

Kumencintaimu lebih dari apapun

Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tau

Kumencintaimu sedalam-dalam hatiku

Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

Kumencintaimu sedalam-dalam hatiku

Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

Mencintaimu lebih dari apapun

Meskipun tiada satu orang pun yang tau

Kumencintaimu sedalam-dalam hatiku

Meskipun engkau hanya kekasih gelapku

Kekasih gelapku

...

theweekend.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

theweekend.

As you know, i may have mentioned about someone i've been seeing recently. Well, we are not actually official and god know's what's going on. But when the time is right and when i've finally gotten my heart and thinking straightened out, i'll tell more about us. For now, i'm enjoying whatever we have and i hope things do not change despite whatever my decisions are.

Work has been a pain in the ass lately. Well, as always, really. I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and cry my heart out. Contrary to that, i always end up laughing my ass off and making everything seem like a joke. I guess it's no wonder why my colleagues think i'm crazy.
Funny mofucks. (:

P.Ramlee; the musical on Satday was pretty much awesome. Nothing spectacular like the PGL musical last year though. I guess i'm a sucker for such musical plays. The weekend went alright. And well, looking forward to payday! Heh.

Today; well, basically my sick leave was pretty much planned out. Being more than 36hours awake, my energy was slowly draining out and my mind, well, i think the toxics must have gotten to it.

Something's bugging me, and i mean, really bugging me. It's no wonder i'm getting the lack of sleep. I tend to think when i'm awake, and even continue doing so when i'm asleep. One of the many many stressors unnecessary for me. If only i knew what to do.

Well, i'm seeing darkness now. That's it for now.

thankgoditsfriday.

Friday, May 16, 2008

thankgoditsfriday.

11.36am;
and i just got home from my night shifttt.
i do not wish to speak about it.

thinking of the night only makes me super maddd.

pukimakharambetul.

6:12am;

24/02 passed away.

deteriorated and saturated within minutes.

condolescence to the kakak's family.

may you rest peacefully with the sang pencipta.

6:35am;

24/09 was toying with us.

AED showed a straight line,

but she was still alive surprisingly.

7:22am;

she died peacefully.

nothing much needs to be said.

both were DIL max ward management,

AND

end stage onco patients.

shagged,

lack of sleep,

mentally drained out,

emotionally disturbed,

i dont know if i can last one more night tonight.

somebody save me please.

i feel like burying myself under my sheets.

and shutting myself from the world.

ward has become a respi&onco dept now.

wtf.

all thanks to the mtf clerk!

say no more.

im heading to bed now.

thank you bb for cheering me up,

and making my morning a pleasant one,

though i was super cranky.

-till next time-

hello!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

iwantmyboylollipop. (:

First up;

I MISS THIS IDIOT HERE!

Although i speak to him everydayy.

Next best thing;

i got myself a lip pierce!

Call me crazy;

tongue/lips/ears/nose,

i just LOVE PIERCINGS!

Next up;

the eyebrows!

happygilerrr.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

happygilerrr.

Okay.

There's too many things to blog about right now.

There's no denying i had a great fucken long weekend.

Happy lahh siakkk.

I don't know where to begin, seriously.

Okay.

First up;

Ran into Faris just now.

He rides a fucking scramblerrr lah siaaa!

And he's so super cute now!

*drools*

Then while supper-ing with Ellyas, ran into Razmy and Amalina!

3 of my very very great lysians.

2 of my greatest boys in one day!

Couldn't be happier today!

Happy happy mesti ader makne nie. Ishk.

Well, it's off to the showers and to bed for now.

Working afternoon tmro,

and soon to start another round of night.

Will blog again, hopefully tmro.

~mwahhhs.~

hello.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

mangkuktingkat.

ONE super important thing that a person should NOT be doing when riding a bike or being a pillion, and on the roads.
And that is, toying with your mobile phone.

Let me share a stupid incident which occured 2 hours ago.

Benji fetched me from work today.

I ended @ 2240, instead of the usual 2130.

Entah aper angin ribut entah he was eager to see me and PATIENTLY waited for me.

During the long journey from SGH to Simpang Bedok,

we played this no-brainer, but rather amusing game.

Ala-ala friendster bulletin gitu.

Qns were asked by him, and i had to give impromptu answers.

But hell, he only gave two options.

Which made it worse.

Well, it went like this.

Hopefully what i recalled is similar. Hehe.

1. What is your favourite colour?

Green/Red?

ME: Both lahh siaaa...

HIM: One only lah kiasu.

ME: Green.

2. Beach/Club?

ME: Why make me choose? I dont like this game.

HIM: Dont complain so much can, its just a game.

ME: Bontort. Dont care. Both!

HIM: One only lah, one only.

ME: Dont care, both.

*rolls eyes at me*

3. MUSE/Avenged Sevenfold?

ME: Bontort. How can like this? You know i like both...

HIM: Just answer. One answer only.

ME: MUSE ahh of course. But i still like both!

4. Finch/Matchbook Romance?

ME: I want to kill you. All your qns like shit. Might as well you ask me, mother or father right. Nabei.

HIM: *laughs off like an asshole*

ME: Cannot make me choose, you pantat. Mangkuk tingkattt...

5. Tiesto/Paul Van Dyke?

This time i didnt bother wanna answer. My answers would've been the same as the rest.

SILENCE.

HIM: Cepat ckit.

DEAD SILENCE.

HIM: Okay okay okay next arhh.

6. Save yourself/Save your parents?

ME: Myself than parents.

HIM: Cannot one only. One.

ME: My parents.

How to save my parents if i dont save myself first right? Stupiddd.

7. Leg amputee/Hand amputee?

SILENCE.

I didnt know what to answer him.

HIM: Harlow? Missy?

ME: Still thinking...

HIM: Too late already next question.

*still in deep thoughts*

DEAD SILENCE.

8. Hannah Montana/Raven?

Again two of my favourite.

HRMPH!

ME: Both.

HIM: I give up already arhh cause you no fun.

ME: 2 more qns lahh faster.

9. Do you like me?

Yes/No?

SILENCE.

HIM: Die already ahh?

ME: Havent yet. I dont know.

HIM: Yes/No?

ME: Yes?

HIM: Sounds so unsure.

ME: YES!

10. You want be my girlfriend?

Yes/No?

.................

SILENCE.

*Boom!*

And here's the part where my phone dropped right on PIE expressway.

.......................

Lesson learnt.

Never ever try to read your smses or answer calls while riding.

You'll never expect the silliest and stupidest things to happen.

Righttt...

There goes my phone now.

We managed to perform a mini-active CPR on it,

but now it has massive flaws.

Soon to be diagnosed as

DANGEROUSLY ILL LIST.

Sighh.

Camera down, hearing impaired.

Lucky still alive.

Flashbacks of today's ride still vivid in my mind.

Not sure to be happy or ...

Well, ignorance is bliss.

Or so i think.

Till next time.

Time to sayang-sayang my phone.

benjamin

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

soul'spleas.

I miscalculated & procrastinated my time today.

I rushed to the carpark, only to be blasted by you.

Which i think i didn't deserve such treatment in my current state.

I ended up waiting 57mins for you to sayang-sayang the bike.

We were supposed to be happy-happy over dinner today, but you had to start blabbering gibberish and made me upset.

Like as if i'm already not upset over other problems.

I don't know what else to say already.

I might as well end things.

Sometimes i wish life weren't this complicated.

I wish we could turn back time and amend things, and make it all right.

But i know it's impossible.

I hope June will come quick and instant.

I hope uncle will settle my papers once and for all.

And god's willing, things will change once all is settled.

June, come quick.

PLEASE.

Dear GOD, hear my pleas.

My silent prayer shall be said for you, and heard by you.

Only.

Ameen.

shqm.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

serviceheart,qualitymind.

You call THIS good service?

Fuck youu, we're in a paying ward class.

Supposedly A1+.

The highest and supposedly good quality service,

and your fucking nurse manager is so bloody RUDE!

Fuck lahhh.

Nurse manager tak nurse manager;

i'll write you a bloody fucking complain and i hope you go down.

Cheebyeee~

3am; and you people disturb my fucking sleep.

BABI.

mustaphaahhh

Sunday, May 4, 2008

coffee/milo/biscuits/me?

Round of night over and done with, once more. Past few nights was such a blast, especially since Kas was around. A whole lot of goofing around here and there. Late night chatting with the pakciks and ahpeks over coffee/milo and biscuits, and pretending to understand those teochew and cantonese speaking ahma's. Hell, we even headed to the nearby Ktm for our supper and walked back. Alhamdulilah, things went smoothly for me. (:

Well, a warm welcome to the month of May. It's funny how time seems to pass by w/o us realising. I guess all of us were just too busy chasing life aye. Just few months back, i was chasing an asshole who cheated me of my money and my feelings. A month later, i was sending my bestie off to Aussie for her studies. The following month, i can't seem to remember much. Then, there was the falling ill period in April, and here comes May.

The weather has been excruciatingly torturous past month, and i know there's no chance of it letting up anytime soon. I wish upon a miracle that the heat will subside and who knows, the weirdest things may just happen. Snow in hot sunny sing? You wishhh. (:

Well, Saturday was spent with the family. Shopping @ Ikea, followed by dinner at uncle Mak's place, and then back to more midnight shopping @ Mustafa. It was fun, i must say. Especially since i had Dee with me. I miss you lah, cousie! Heh.

Well, time check; 4:29am. An i'm off to continue muah convo with Faiz dumb-dumb, who's stuck with guard duty till Tuesday! Wahahahaha. Padan muke ko. (:

And here's some random shots taken.