I wish i could turn back time to make it all alright. How our friendship ended in such a state; left me clueless and confused. You and i both know what went wrong. I'm not blaming you, neither do i wish you'd start blaming me. I know it's partially my fault. For not being there for you, and taking you for granted. I've had you in my life all the time, i guess i didn't realize how belittle you felt when i didn't include you in my life during those hectic moments. We've shared our tears, joys, angers and a whole lot of other crap together, i just thought you'd understand. Never did i expect myself to go overboard. I guess i should have been more sensitive to your feelings. And i'm sorry. Then, the presence of your sister somewhat tensed me up. I know you'll never understand and my frequent explanations were left unheard. Goddammit. There were so many fucking things happening then, from you falling sick, the arrival of your sister and god knows what else, i don't even know what the fuck was going on. I hope you'd take a second to stop and put yourself in my shoes. I don't know what else to say. I guess i should have been more understanding. You've changed, and you said so have i. But you didn't realise you've changed a whole lot. How the fuck should i explain? Your words hurt me and pierced my heart. I woke up upon hearing those harsh words. I was slowly starting to hate you a whole lot, but i knew i couldn't let my emotions conquer me. I belittled myself and did some reality check. I kept thinking of the situation everyday. For a moment, i felt like giving up and shutting you out of my life, forever. And i know you've somewhat found a replacement for me, and eliminate me in your life, if you must. Fuck it. I reckon you'll never find someone like me anyway. I guess those past few years we've been the best of friends, seems to be meaningless to you now. What exactly drove us to this state? I cried for i was scared of losing my best friend. But you didn't even care. Fuck it, that was a first time i cried for my own best friend. I've never cried for Natasya, nor Nabilah, not even Dee. I don't even know why the hell i cried for you. I know my life does not revolve around you, but it's the ethics of a friendship. Back then, even when i had the most of friends, i still pulled you along. Why? Because you're my best friend, and it's only right i share my joy with you, rather than let you be alone. As much as i want you to be part of my life, i want to be part of yours. But i guess you felt that i was just a hassle. Fuck it. I hate this wreck we're in. Bottomline is, i tried to make it work once again, i tried to compromise, but i guess you don't have the same thoughts or same feelings as me anymore. Yes, sometimes my anger may seem overboard, but you know i'm still the same crazy moodswing person. You assumed things, whereas i, had negative thoughts of this situation. And please, this has nothing got to do with you entering school. You know i'm happy for you. I'm proud of you. But don't say i'm being unreasonable because i'm unhappy that you're back in school with new environment, new changes. Goddammit. I was the first person to be fucking elated when you told me you got a school. It just so happens that this mess we're in is somewhat interlinked. Fuck it. Perhaps you'd be upset or angry upon reading what i'm saying. And pardon me for being so blunt. But this is the only way i could express myself. The first real heavy fight we've ever had, and i don't know what to say of it. Let's overcome the obstacles together? Or should i just say, Thanks alot for the past years and i wish you'd find another bestie? Goddammit. I wish god will give me a sign. Either way, i hope you'll forgive me for all the things i've done wrong. We were the bestest of friends, have always been and will always be. I have your back, and i hope you have mine. Ily, babe.
